Goodness, this has been a week. I had a post in mind but it'll have to come later. Daddy took a turn for the worse so I'm afraid that has really pushed most everything else to the background. I cancelled all my meetings friday and spent the day in the emergency department with Mom. Dad had become incoherent and since none of the nurses had been able to draw his blood, no lab work meant we had no idea of his numbers. Quite a trying day -in fact just plain awful. Dad was struggling and hurting and unable to really communicate. It seems the end is coming sooner than we were prepared for (not that a miracle can't happen or that this may have been of a series of particularly bad days)
I almost never cried as a child and young adult (like I can only remember less than a handful of times, although I would occasionally fake it by licking my finger and swiping it down my cheek when it seemed like the appropriate response) It was a way of keeping the pain and disappointment away. A control thing, I've had to work on letting go. Allowing myself to live fully; experiencing all life has -the incredibly joyful as well as the incredibly painful. I am by nature an analyzer, an observer, tending to hole up inside my head (One of the things I like about mixed media and art journalling is that it helps me in this journey of exposure and transparency) Today my emotions are very near the surface. I remind myself, It doesn't mean I am not strong or brave or capable. It means I am secure enough of those attributes that it is ok to allow myself to also be weak, unsure, and scared when I should be. (Maybe should is not the right word - but just am) Tears well up and stream down. I feel a lumpy restriction in my chest. I don't want Dad to be in pain or feel he must fight to stay with us for our sake. But as I gaze upon his gentle (& it is so soft and kind and gentle) face, my head is ok but my heart is not there yet. I'll be mostly stoic -it is who I am. But I FEEL the hollow pit of sorrow and loss right now.
My shoulders shrug and I bring my head up. This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it! My family is converging. We will make spaghetti and visit and laugh and cry and have difficult conversations. I am blessed. I am my father's daughter.
Remember the sketch I did at the Festival on the Ponce and showed in my last post? Well, this last weekend I turned it into a canvas. I hope you like her. I feel she is quite appropriate for my post -heart on a horn, tears on a check, and memories to KEEP.
Music for today's blog: I'll fly away -Alison Krause's version