So Much & So Many

Oh little blog, I know you are intended to be all about art, but my life is such a mix that I feel you will be to. 

I once tried to separate my notebooks in to tidy compartmentalized groups, needless to say it didn't work. Now they are a delightful mix -mostly sketches and prayers but also to-do lists, budgets, floor plans, recipes, important numbers, descriptions of future possible projects, and anything else that I am compelled to download from my brain (sometimes bordering on the indecipherable as I've grabbed a pen in the dark at 2am) My notebooks are sometimes lined, sometimes gridded, and sometimes plain. Homemade, bought, found and gifted. There is no chronological order in my notebooks /journals /sketchbooks. I don't actually start them on the first page, more often than not it is somewhere in the middle. At times, I write upside down or sideways and occasionally on top of previous notes with a writing instrument of another color. There are arrows and stars. Names of blogs I want to visit and medias I want to try out. They are not neat, words are crossed out and there are more mis-spellings that I care to admit. And of course there are Drawings, lots and lots of Drawings.

My notebooks are a micro version of my heart and head. The good, the bad, and the uninspired.

I really started started sketching and journalling about the time my marriage was falling apart. I needed a place of release and retreat. I do have one journal which is primarily writing and actually written in sequence day 1 to day 365. It is bright red and from the first year that my husband moved out. It was such a painful time and I didn't want to contaminate the rest of my notebooks. I still keep a mostly writing diary at my bedside table (along with at least one of my other journals) but its not used that much any more. It is just not as necessary as it was during that time. Funny -I still remember the first line I wrote in it. "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times." (Yes, I know this is plagiarized -but it is ok in a personal journal. Sometimes other people just happen upon the perfect words first)  That line is still so true. Each day is hard and frustrating but each day is also wonderful and amazing. It just depends on what color glasses I've put on that morning.

That first year alone (well, as alone as you ever are with two teenage daughters) taught me so much. That my God loves me more than my mind can even wrap around. That I am capable. That just because my dreams were shattered doesn't mean I can't find new ones. It was hard to let go of the illusions. I am a sucker for fairytales and they typically end .....happily ever after. I had to redefine my happily ever after. (not that I've really figured it out but I'm getting there.) I also rediscovered my art and my passion for creating.

I am still rediscovering what makes me happy, what I want, who I am, and who I want to be. It is a process and I am enjoying the journey. I will live with abandon!