The Only Thing Constant Is Change

Hello My Darling Artlings,

I'm Sharing Big Life Changes Yet Again!

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My Little Hurricane Girl doodled in my art journal while Irma made landfall

It is me, Laurie Anne Smith Sikorowski (Haha, being all fancy and formal-like with my whole name incase you are new to my beloved but often neglected art blurred with lots of randomn life things blog) Well let me see how to start - first a job hunt, then not one but two hurricanes. Angsty Irma, the bully, pretty much affecting all of Florida (and beyond). Nasty timing as I needed to be out of my Key West townhouse by the end of September and the mandatory evacuation made that a strategic nightmare. On the positive, it did push me on to Nashville where I interviewed (a day late, oops, seriously who does this) and seemed to land my dream job! Yay!!! 

Oh, you know those reoccurring gremlins that plague me in my art, yes, the ones that I post about ad nauseam, guess what, they are just as active with my architectural practice. Well, maybe not quite on the doing architecture, I’m pretty secure on that part, but all the people stuff -that’s so so scary. Being seen as likable and competent is surprisingly important to me and self-confidence does not come naturally -but I do feel that I am making progress in this department.

I actually found (once I’d done massive prepping) I enjoyed the interview process. The prepping made me really look at what do I want in a career, as well as who am I, and what are my strengths and weaknesses. A snapshot of what I discovered is that I am a problem solver at heart. I like for my mind to be engaged figuring out some particularly intricate puzzle. I also thrive on building and deepening relationships. Not the let's go to the party and simple start talking to people I don’t know (umm.. like no way) but finding commonality and working together towards a common goal type relationships. And finally, I am inspired by beauty. I want to be surrounded by it and a part of its creation. My definition of beauty is broad and encompasses more that the visually pleasing; it is something deeper that can include a sense of appropriateness or even decay. It is an intangible something, more a feeling. It is easier to know where it is not than to describe what it is (although almost any thing, person, or place can have beauty if you are willing to go deep -but that is a thought ripe for a much longer exploration in later post) 

"Adrift" -an art journal page expressing my sense of ununcertainty as I am between homes

Needless to say, September was an emotional rollercoaster. The high of truly sensing God’s hand in my journey and profound feelings of gratitude for the opening and shutting of doors. (I feel so taken care of) I picture myself as a seedling being carefully transplanted where I get just the right amount of sunshine and shade. I am dutifully watered and carefully pruned. I am blessed! What a wonderful time to feel so supported by precious friends and family.

BUT still I struggle with the dreadful imposter syndrome. You know where you are afraid that you are putting on an illusion of being more than who you are and if someone gets to know you better they won't think you are as amazing as you have projected. My insecurities are oozing out again, darn it! Crazy life shake ups tend to bring up the best and the worst of what usually lies dormant inside of us. Change is hard and oh how I like my comfort zone. The unknown is scary. My nature likes the calm and my life is totally not even close to calm at the moment. 

Which brings me to hurricane number two, Nate. How ironic I run from a storm right into another. Luckily Nate was much less destructive. I actually had college friends staying at the house for Nate’s arrival. No, it wasn’t intentional but ended up being fun. Nine of us crazies, playing games and watching the weather channel as the colorful mass scuttled across the tv screen.

Now, I’m heading to Nashville once again. This time to find a new place to call home. All the typical moving fears are out in full force; will I find friends, will I fit in, will I do well at my new job, and so on and so on, but also that excitement and thrill of a new beginning. I got this! Exhilaration and a soaring sense of endless possibilities! Breathe, just breathe!

Sheepish Detail

I thought I’d have a lot of free time to create but so far it hasn’t happened. A couple small canvases before the storms and a few jounal pages with the meager supplies I kept in my small suitcase (yes, the one, I've been living out of for about a month now) Hopefully as I get settled (& my art supplies are unpacked), I’ll be able to do some painting before my new job begins. My fingers are itching for the smooth glide of paint on paper!

Music for today: (I had to go country since I'm about to be Nashville bound)

Move It One Over by Hank Williams

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An Artful Summary of My Year So Far

Hi! Hola! Nameste! Bonjour! Jambo! Ciao!

While I've been quite quiet on my blog, it doesn't mean I haven't been playing around in paints. It has been a busy art filled year. Facebook & Instagram have been my posting spots of choice lately. They are so quick & easy. Please follow me on those platformse for more impromptu updates:
https://www.facebook.com/Artfulbitsandbytes/
https://www.instagram.com/artfulbitsandbytes_laurieanne/

Well, let see what I've been doing lately, I've not done any art shows or festivals simply because the logistics of travel and set up (especially with a little 2 seater convertible) haven't been ideal. I do miss them though. I am hoping by this Fall to go to a few galleries and see if I can maybe get some art out there in that way. I may have mentioned this previously but, oh lazy me, hasn't actually done it yet. Wish me luck! I'm kind of nervous about doing this which is probably why I've put it off so long.

So This is going to be mostly a visual thumb through of some artsy highlights month by month:

In January, I painted this girl holding a hen & yes, she has a story. On my way to church (a good 45 minutes from my house), my bug went up in smoke and these two sweet Latino men in an old pickup came to my rescue. I had to carry this big rooster in my lap as they drove on to church. Of course, I just had to incorporate this in to my artwork.

In February, I got back to a large half done canvas I've had for a long time. Well it is still not finished but one more layer added and lots of joy playing large after working on a lot of little paintings.

In March, the first of two awesome art retreats. This one at Delray Beach with Dyan Reavely and Teesha Moore as the instructors. I made lots of trading cards and had a great time. I also got a great roomie and wonderful new art friend, Tina in the process.

In April,  the second art retreat was with the fabulous art gang that I first met at Artiest Rising last year. This was a very different kind of retreat, more "here is all my supplies, have at it" sort of thing. I had a blast. Lots of supplies, I can live without like pumice medium and tar medium but also a few new must haves, like this liquid paint squeeze pen thingy and making my own stamps.

In May and June,  I mostly worked in some of my art journals. I still haven't quite finished any of them and am getting a bit impatient. with myself.  I'm playing around with some more abstract less figurative works. Lots of ideas, just got to get them down on paper!

And now it is the first of July so who knows where the artful winds will blow! I'll try and pop in a little more often! I'm all twitchy to share a how-to artsy video soon. XOXO

Music for Today's Post: An eclectic trio, lol!
Little River Band - Reminiscing
Harry Styles - Sign of the Times
Ray Charles - Hit The Road Jack

Me - Art Dork Extraordinaire 

sALt wATeR

The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea!

Detail from my Art Journal Page "Salt Water" -follow the italic captions for progress comments!
It is sort of set up so you can read my writing on the painting's progress separately from my regular post
(or at the same time) -I hope this makes sense. Well, enjoy y'all!

My thoughts on TEARS, LOVE, & LIVING with progress pics of my latest art journal page.
I spent a wonderful afternoon overlooking the water at the marina on Marathon Key with my travel set of watercolors, pencil, white paint and black pen simply allowing myself to get lost in the moment. My Artful Bliss -no agenda, no timeframe, no pressure!

Here is a page from my sketchbook that I did probably a month or so ago. I've had this one semi-submerged
girl in the back of my mind for quite awhile (even before I drew her in my sketchbook)
There is so much symbolism and emotion that I feel it can convey.
So on Friday morning, I had a work meeting down the Keys and I decided that I would pack a little travel art bag
so that after my meeting I could find a quaint bar or cafe along the water and art journal till my heart's content!
And that, my friends is exactly what I did.

You know, It's funny how often tears show up in my artwork -well more often in sketches than final pieces but still I find it odd because I tend to be a very cheerful person.  In fact, I don't recall crying much at all when I as a child. I was quite stoic. I think I've become more of a softie lately though as age and experience have simultaneously broken me down and wised me up. You see, tears to me represent letting go which in turn means not being in control. Now that's tough as I REALLY like being in control! I mean, I know I'm not actually in control -It's just an illusion. You see, I'm blessed to have a faith were I can trust that my sovereign God ultimately has got it all together and he has all the omnis covered (omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient, ...) so I don't need to worry about anything no matter how small or how huge. But knowing and acting on that knowing are two very different things! 

First I sketched in pencil, then I began using a couple water color crayons and my water colors to paint.
I ended up not really using the crayons much as I prefer them when blended with acrylic paint (which I didn't bring)
I found that when using them with only water, they were a bit too grainy for my tastes.

It can be hard to understand the twists and turns of life from this side of eternity -sort of like standing too close to impressionistic painting. It just looks like a lot of multicolored dots. It takes that distance and perspective to see the complete picture and how each spot of color works into the whole. It can be so easy while in the midst of the black dot to think it's all dark even though its just one speck of your life. I believe that's what makes age and experience such great teachers. For once we've gone through the rainbow (& eventually most of us will spend a little time in all the different hues), we can begin to see others (maybe going through a blue or purple period) with kinder eyes. For without having been there, we may intellectually understand where they're coming from but we can't "feel" it. I love this part of getting older. Honestly, I do!

Next I paint the rest of my girl as well as the sky and water. It has been quite a while since I've played
with my watercolors. It was fun changing it up a bit! I also had a couple of copic markers (a blue, pinkish red, and yellow)
 that I also used to amp up the brightness. They are pretty cool -you add some marks then use your water saturated
 brush over them to spread, just like water color. They are intense though, so you have to be careful and
make sure you don't let them dry before you start to swoosh the color around. I  really like the
mood I was able to create this way and if I didn't already have a direction I wanted to take my page, I would have
enjoyed continuing on in this soft, less illustrative, more painterly way.
(Where's Waldo moment -find the little seagull, I caught in the picture as he nose dived down to catch his lunch)

My thinking has always been the core of my identity/my personality. Emotions on the other hand can throw me for a loop! I've never fully understood them properly (yeah, as if there's anything proper about emotions - LOL! They are such messy critters) Outwardly, I tend to remain calm like a glassy lake but below the still surface, storms can brew and I'll have no idea why or for what. It is hard to sort them out, more like an internal whirlpool sucking everything in. Now for those deep, bone-deep emotions like love -oh, I feel them so intensely! I think that's why when life throws a curve ball and dreams are shattered it hurts so much. It's why it is easier to create a protective armor of disassociation than risk the pain of feeling too much, but man that is no way to live. Passion can't fully emerge when bound by fear.

Tears can help dissolve this prickly coating, we have  (or atleast me for sure) built up cocoon-like around our hearts. The tears can wash away the thick layer of debris which clouds our vision so we can see clearly again. I often go to Saturday night church because it has an extended music time at the end. It is less scripted and more impromptu. I find it a meaningful time for both prayers and tears. Beautiful tears, the quiet soft ones that slowly run down my cheeks taking away the sadness and bitterness and making way for joy in that heartbreaking rush of awe at the every day miracles and countless blessings that the dust of the daily grind too often obscures. 

Now the scary part, adding blue to my girl's lower face and dripping blue from one eye!
Notice the addition off a cold beer to help me chill and relax -lol!
Seriously, I had a slight panic attack! I just had to take the leap as once I started the blue there was no going back.
When painting I almost always get to a point where a bit of fear comes over me and
I am sure that I am fixing to simply ruin it all. I've learned that this is the time to simply go for it
because if I stop then and come back later, I will inevitably find myself in full blown artist's block.

I know my thoughts are anything but linear -more scattered and tangent (no surprise), kind of like how you go to Google a simple tuna casserole recipe and hour later you are engrossed in an article about DNA enzymes. True story! But now what was I trying to say? -thoughts about tears, aging, living with my whole heart as well as my head or something to that effect. I think Brene Brown sums up so much of what has been swimming around in my head lately in her quote below. (Isn't it amazing how when you are thinking about something, inevitably the perfect song or quote or picture magically pops in to your life?)

I added more blue watercolor to darken and white to highlight the tears
and then outlined in back sharpie paint pen above the waterline and painted in the
hair lines, fish, lighthouse, and waves below. I used gauche paint for the white.

"I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt –has to go.
Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.
Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.''



I scanned and up the intensity of the blue so I could print and
journal in white once I was back at my little art studio. Once done, I cut away the white edge.

Pretty good stuff, huh? Now the hard part; taking the advise and acting on it! We can do it! I know we can! Curl up, have a good cry and get ready for great things, for they are a'coming!

 

 Song for Today: (I just love this one)

Johnny Flynn and Laura Marling - The Water 

A few more words, lines to the sky, details to the fish and ta-da, here is a
photo of my completed art journal page!

And incase your in the mood for more, here is an additional Trio of Songs to enjoy: 

Demi Lovato - Confident
Danny Gokey - Tell Your Heart to Beat Again
Coldplay - Up&Up

So Much & So Many

Oh little blog, I know you are intended to be all about art, but my life is such a mix that I feel you will be to. 

I once tried to separate my notebooks in to tidy compartmentalized groups, needless to say it didn't work. Now they are a delightful mix -mostly sketches and prayers but also to-do lists, budgets, floor plans, recipes, important numbers, descriptions of future possible projects, and anything else that I am compelled to download from my brain (sometimes bordering on the indecipherable as I've grabbed a pen in the dark at 2am) My notebooks are sometimes lined, sometimes gridded, and sometimes plain. Homemade, bought, found and gifted. There is no chronological order in my notebooks /journals /sketchbooks. I don't actually start them on the first page, more often than not it is somewhere in the middle. At times, I write upside down or sideways and occasionally on top of previous notes with a writing instrument of another color. There are arrows and stars. Names of blogs I want to visit and medias I want to try out. They are not neat, words are crossed out and there are more mis-spellings that I care to admit. And of course there are Drawings, lots and lots of Drawings.

My notebooks are a micro version of my heart and head. The good, the bad, and the uninspired.

I really started started sketching and journalling about the time my marriage was falling apart. I needed a place of release and retreat. I do have one journal which is primarily writing and actually written in sequence day 1 to day 365. It is bright red and from the first year that my husband moved out. It was such a painful time and I didn't want to contaminate the rest of my notebooks. I still keep a mostly writing diary at my bedside table (along with at least one of my other journals) but its not used that much any more. It is just not as necessary as it was during that time. Funny -I still remember the first line I wrote in it. "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times." (Yes, I know this is plagiarized -but it is ok in a personal journal. Sometimes other people just happen upon the perfect words first)  That line is still so true. Each day is hard and frustrating but each day is also wonderful and amazing. It just depends on what color glasses I've put on that morning.

That first year alone (well, as alone as you ever are with two teenage daughters) taught me so much. That my God loves me more than my mind can even wrap around. That I am capable. That just because my dreams were shattered doesn't mean I can't find new ones. It was hard to let go of the illusions. I am a sucker for fairytales and they typically end .....happily ever after. I had to redefine my happily ever after. (not that I've really figured it out but I'm getting there.) I also rediscovered my art and my passion for creating.

I am still rediscovering what makes me happy, what I want, who I am, and who I want to be. It is a process and I am enjoying the journey. I will live with abandon!